The Cure
by mind0vermatter
Summary: "One pill, two pills, three pills, four. Five pills, six pills, I need more." After a failed suicide attempt, a confused and troubled Clare Edwards is sent away to be fixed. Carrying her dark past on her shoulders & issues that she can't get over, the only question is, will he be her cure? Will she let him? Or will a certain someone send her spiralling deeper? -previously Drowning-
1. Prologue

Hi, so uhm, I'm not really sure where I wanna go with this story. I figured out a chapter one, but other than that, I've got nothing. So, lets see where this takes us.

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Degrassi.

Prologue

One pill, two pills, three pills, four. Five pills, six pills, I need more. Dumping the remainder of pills into my hand, I sighed. Lifting my hand to my mouth, I swallowed the tiny blue caplets and waited. I stared into the mirror of my vanity, my own blue orbs staring back at me. I watched as a tiny speck of water trickled down my cheek, running over my lips. Licking my lips, I could taste the salt it contained. I looked down at my left forearm, running my hand over the criss-crossed, faded scars. Each scar had its own memory, its own story, its own reason to exist. I sighed and tore my eyes away, not wanting to think about the countless stories for each scar. I looked up once again and looked into my own eyes. They were once filled with happiness and joy, something I often yearned for. Often, people say, "eyes are the window to the soul." If you looked into my eyes, you wouldn't see shit. For a while now, I've numbed myself to feeling anything but pain. Pain that is hidden with a smile. Pain that is hidden with long sleeved shirts. No one really knew how I felt and now... No one will ever know. I began to feel light headed, the room fading to black. Slowly, the world began to fade away. Bits and pieces of my life began to flash before my eyes, I smiled. My younger years began to play before me. I was once so innocent, so pure. Images of my sister, my parents, my friends, and my ex-boyfriend flashed before me. Their smiling faces, their laughs, my memories with them, it all burned in my brain. I didn't mind though, they were good memories. They were all before everything had gone wrong... Before I grew up. Eventually, the good times had to end. Even though I could see it before my eyes (literally), I still couldn't pinpoint where it had all gone wrong. I still couldn't pick out, who or what, had begun my last few years of endless suffering. Before I could ponder any longer, I was brought to the point last point in my life, my last memory before things turned to nothing. I could see myself staring in the mirror, a blank expression on my face. My thoughts became fuzzy, my vision had blurred, then, the world went black.


	2. Chapter One

So now the story begins and I kind of have an idea of where I want this to go now, so here it goes. :)

Review, follow, favourite, do as your heart pleases.

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.

Chapter One.

I awoke to a bright light, shining above me, causing me to squint. "So this is what purgatory looks like... At least I know I'm not going to hell yet." I muttered to myself, forcing myself to sit up from the soft surface I laid on. The blood felt like it was rushing to my head and I began to feel slightly light headed. "Can you even feel this when your dead?" I thought to myself, confused. I looked down at my left forearm once again, frowning as I noticed the scars still there. As I reached over to trace my hand over the scars, I noticed a transparent tube taped onto my right hand. Now, I was truly puzzled. I looked around and really began to take in my surroundings. White walls, a window with the view of a graffitied brick wall, a heart monitor... A heart monitor?!

"I'm still alive." I stated dully, finally noticing the steady beep of the large, white machine. I hadn't done it, I failed. Do you know whats more pathetic than hating life so much that you want to end it? Its attempting suicide and failing. What would the kids at school think when they found out? What would Jenna think? Would she look at me the same? What would my parents think? "Why does it matter what they think... Neither will visit in fear of the other being there first." I thought bitterly.

I let my thoughts get the best of me once again, my mind wandering to places it shouldn't. I let out an angry scream of frustration, pulling on my curly locks, as if it would make all this aggravation go away. I needed an escape, I needed out of this room, and I needed to finish what I had begun. I ripped the wire from my hand, feeling the sting as the needle was removed my vein. "I've truly lost my mind." I thought, and that was the last thought I had before my memory became fuzzy. I remember nurses flooding in, as I basically lost my mind on the hospital bed. Screaming, kicking. I remember both my parents running in, surprising me, as they stood at the foot of my hospital bed and watched me in fear. I remember having multiple nurses hold me down. I remember the sting in my left arm, looking over and seeing a doctor with a needle. I remember a numb feeling, starting at my legs and making its way up my body. Then suddenly, the room when black.

"Clare? Clare, honey?" I could hear a faint voice in the background and I could feel someone slightly shaking me. My eyes fluttered open and I was greeted with the face of my mother. Her facial expression went from worried to relieved, my own eyes staring into her identical ones. Slowly, she helped me sit up, then she retreated to her own seat at my bedside. She began to speak frantically, as if I was gonna disappear at any moment.

"Clare, we're so happy you're alive. Your father and I were so worried. They pumped your stomach and they were able to save you. Thank God your Father found you in time and-"

"Mom, why." I whispered, my voice breaking. "Why couldn't you just have let me be."

"Let you be?!" she shouted angrily. I flinched at the sudden change of tone in her voice, it went from relief to anger in a matter of seconds. "You're our child! How could you say that?! How could you do that to your father and I?! We loved you and we were doing our best to help you. How could you do such a selfish thing?!"

"You tried your best to help me? By what?! Getting a divorce?! You say I'm selfish?!" I spat, now I was angry too. "You were too busy fighting, moping, and you were so wrapped up in your own little world that you didn't even notice me slipping through the cracks. You didn't notice anything but your fucking self. You even didn't notice my cries for help; breaking curfew, drinking, all the cuts on my arm... You didn't even fucking notice when I got a piercing. You weren't there when I needed you most so don't tell me you did your best to help me, because you fucking didn't. Get out. I don't want to speak to you."

My mom stood there shocked, as if afraid to say anything. I could see the tears brimming in her eyes and I felt a brief moment of pity, before I shut it out. I shook my head and glared at her, willing her to leave. She cleared her throat and said "The doctor finds you to be unstable... Mentally. We signed the papers and later today they'll be sending you to the Degrassi Teen Mental Institution. Your father took the liberty of packing your things for you and we'll-"

"But, I'm not crazy!" I stated sharply, "A mental institution is for crazy people. I'm. Not. Fucking. Crazy."

"Honey, of course you're not.. It's just that-"

"No! I'm not going."

"You listen to me, Clare Diane Edwards. You are going to the institution later today whether you agree to it or not." she said, giving me a warning look before faltering into a look of pity. "You're not crazy, we know. You are not a physco, you are simply unstable. You need help and they're willing to give it to you. I'm sorry that you felt as if you couldn't reach out to anyone and that you needed to do this to yourself." Her eyes quickly darted to the scars on my forearm. "I want you to get help, and for now, I won't be allowed to see you. No one is. They said it'd be best if you had no visitors. This is the last time that I'll be able to see you... For a while."

I could see that she was dead set on sending me to the crazy house. I didn't need it, cause I wasn't crazy. I wasn't unstable, I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it. I didn't need treatment or pills to "shape me into a better person". What I needed was for everyone to leave me the fuck alone and let me deal with my thoughts on my own. I looked away from her, falling into silence. She sighed, "Jenna dropped by while you were sleeping. She wasn't allowed to visit, and she told me to tell you that she's supporting you 100%. She says she'll miss you and can't wait for your speedy recovery." I scoffed. Recovery?! I don't have a broken leg. My mom took one last look at me before kissing my forehead and making her way out of the room, shutting the door behind her.

* * *

"Hello Ms. Edwards. I'm Nurse Dawes, I'll be your nurse for remainder of your stay here." she said, placing my suitcase on the floor near my bedside. She had a warm smile plastered on her face, as she shook my hand.

"You can call me Clare." I stated, as I let go of her hand, a fake smile on my face. I felt sorry for the woman, having to deal with "troubled youth" everyday. I held nothing against her, it's not her fault I'm in here.

"Well Clare, welcome to your room. You'll be sharing with another girl." she stated excitedly, as if she was giving me a dorm room assignment in college. I wondered if the girl was in for the same thing as I was, attempted suicide. As if reading my mind, Nurse Dawes answered my thoughts. "We don't really have a... Uhm, 'special' way of categorizing the patients unless they have a severe mental disorder that could lead them to potentially harm someone. They're kept in a separate wing of the hospital." she stated uncomfortably, "The only time you'd be categorized is for treatment days. Other than that, you're free to socialize with whomever."

"Fantastic." I muttered sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

"I'll leave you to get adjusted Ms. Edwards."

"Thank you for your help, Nurse Dawes."

"It was no problem, please call me Dawes for short." She winked, and just like that, she was out the door and I was left alone once again. I looked around the room, taking in my surroundings. Two single beds placed on opposite sides of the room, with plain white bed frames made of wood. A wooden nightstand beside each bed, painted white. Two sets of closet doors were opposite to the beds, there was one window with white curtains to cover the sunlight. Of course, the window was barred on the outside, which only depressed me further. "Welcome to prison." I mumbled. "But it could be worse."

Everything in this room was white, which was rather depressing.. Well, everything minus the bed spread my roommate sported. It screamed girly girl. It had two light pink pillows, a light pink bed spread, then a furry fuschia comforter. Then to top it all off, a brown teddy bear sat on the bed, guarding the pillows. I smiled, the burst of color in the room gave me some sense of comfort. With that in mind, I trudged over to my suitcase, using the little bit of motivation I had to get myself situated. I fixed my bed first putting on the light blue bed spread, the two white and black damask pillows, and my light blue comforter. When I completed that task, I moved to the closet, shoving shirts onto hangers, folding pants, being as organized as I could. If there was one thing depression couldn't take away, it was my organization. Smiling at the thought, I continued to organize my things before I heard the click-clack of heels walk onto the shiny laminate floor.

"Hi, I'm Alli and you must be the new roommate."


	3. Chapter Two

Review, review, review. That is all. Some of its gonna be slightly OOC, cause well, they're mentally unstable. Obviously they're not gonna be super in character. Oh and also, if some of what I say doesn't make sense due to their "illnesses", its because I probably made it up to have it move the story along and/or I was given wrong information on the internet. I don't fully understand all these illnesses, please forgive me as most of my information is off the internet. I'll try my best to make the feelings portrayed by these characters about their illnesses make sense, even though I'll never be able to fully understand. If you're a reader with any of these, I hope you are not offended by anything I portray wrong and I'll try my best to do it justice. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I doughnut own Degrassi. Or Hogwarts.

Chapter Two.

"You don't talk much, do ya'?" Alli said, looking at me from her side of the room, flipping her straight black hair over her shoulder.

"Mm, I've just got nothing to say." I replied, shrugging my shoulders. To be honest, if I got to choose a room mate, I would choose Alli. She was easy to talk to and even though she could be a bit dramatic, she was pretty great. I could see that she was driven by her emotions though, she seemed to be the type to act on impulse without clearly thinking it through. The past few hours with her consisted of her going on and on while I listened, occasionally giving an opinion when I had one.

"Okay." she said, stretching out the word. "Have you seen our bathroom yet?"

"We have a bathroom?" I asked, bewildered. I'm usually more observant than that, I would've seen some sort of entrance.

"Well yeah, but its kinda hard to spot since my last room mate broke off the door knob." she said, rolling her eyes. "And the fact that the door is white, like everything else in this room. It's so... Drab."

I chuckled, of course Alli would say something like that. I watched as she walked to a space in the wall, pushing it open. The door swung open to show a small, complete bathroom.

"I know since you just got here, you have no medication or anything, but when you do get them, I've already cleared a space for you." she said, gesturing to the empty half of the medicine cabinet. Suddenly, reality came in a sudden rush and I remembered why I was here. My emotions dulled again, but I tried to keep up a façade for Alli. I happened to like her, so I didn't wanna fuck it up with my depression... Not like I did with everyone else. I think Alli noticed the change in the air and quickly tried to change the subject.

"So, excited for orientation tonight?" she asked, while marking the door with some pink chalk, so I could find it easier.

"Orientation?! What, am I gonna get hazed?" I asked, only half-joking. How was I supposed to know what these psycho would do to me? I mean, Alli was okay, but the others..

"No! Of course not, basically you and all the other newbies get dragged around the hospital on a tour. Just so you can find your way around easier, but you don't have to worry. I've been here for a while, so when you have a friend like me, you'll never have to worry about finding your way around." Alli smiled at me, and I nervously smiled back.

"We- We're friends?" I asked. I never really had friends, except for Jenna. I've always been nervous around meeting new people, but since it started.. I haven't been the most social person.

"Unless you don't want to be..." Alli said, looking down, twiddling her thumbs. "I'm sorry, I know I come on too strong and I get that if you don't wanna be friends, especially with someone mental like m-"

"No! I never said that. It's just that-" I sighed, "I'm not really great with interacting socially either. Not since- Never mind. But, I'd love to be friends and hey, if you're forgetting, I'm rooming with you in this crazy house. I'm a psycho too." I winked. Alli giggled. From then on, we talked. I couldn't remember the last time I had talked to someone like this, even Jenna. My mind wandered to why I haven't been so social and I sighed. I remembered all my old friends before they left me, I fully believe that losing all my friends - except Jenna - partly caused my depression. Or rather, deepened it. I remembered the names they called me. Freak, fatass, loser... The list was endless. When they found out about my... Problems, they didn't wanna stick around. One by one I lost them and after that, I lost my privacy. My secrets, my life, my problems.. They were leaked to the school. I guess since then, I've had trust issues and I never really wanted to make any new friends- not that anyone wanted to be my friend- So I decided, I'd tiptoe in the budding friendship between Alli and I. I didn't wanna screw this up like I did with them.

"Clare! It's time for orientation. Go and meet in the foyer, you won't miss it. Just look for the big group of kids looking lost." said Dawes, as she walked in. "And, Alli, time for dinner. Did you take your pre-meal meds?"

"Yes, of course I did Dawes." she said, smiling sweetly and batting her eyelashes. "I'll be down in a moment." As Dawes walked out, Alli sprung from the bed.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit." she muttered, running into the bathroom. I heard a cabinet open and close, and the faint sound of running water. I was curious about what was so severe that Alli had to take medication before eating. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out "Whats so severe that you'd have to take medication before eating?" I slapped a hand over my mouth, looking like a deer caught in headlights. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I thought to myself.

"I'm so sorry, you don't have to tell me, it's really none of my business and it was so rude and-"

"Clare! Relax, I don't mind talking about it. I had bulimia, okay? That's not the only thing I'm in here for, but its part of my struggle. My body... It became accustomed to throwing things up and now when I do eat, I have this unsettling feeling in my stomach. It's not bad, but I can say the feeling is strange. The pills I take prior to eating just keep the feeling from happening."

"It's not the only thing?" I asked, kind of scared. I mean, its bad enough she has bulimia, but there's more?

"Bulimia is what began everything else wrong with me, I'm pretty fucked up." she said, looking down at her bare feet. I smiled at her and our eyes met.

"Don't worry, I'm pretty messed up too."

* * *

"This is the dining hall, where you will have dinner with the rest of your comrades." the man stated, his hand gesturing to the large room which resembled the Hogwarts dining room. Long tables, lined up horizontally and vertically from each other, filled with many teens, sitting side by side. The only difference would be the aura in the rooms, in Hogwarts you'd imagine it to be happy, chaotic. Here? The only sounds were the low mumbles of some teens and the sound of spoons hitting plates as they ate. The aura was dry and depressing, almost dead. There was no life in the room. Sure they were alive and living, but they weren't really living. Something I could relate too. Before the attempt, I felt like I was in a routine. I woke up, survived, went to bed, then repeated. Nothing new or exciting. The same thoughts, the same expression, everything was the same. I sighed, this really sucked. Not only was I a deep, drowning pit of depression, but now I was put into a building where there were others like me and then some. A tall boy, slightly tanned, with a resemblance to Taylor Lautner pulled me out of my thoughts. He leaned over and whispered, "Hey, it can't be that bad. The foods pretty good."

"I haven't even tried it yet." I mumbled back, looking down at my shoes. Why was he talking to me? I wasn't attractive. Was this a set up? Some kind of pun? Am I being punked? Why would a cute boy be talking to me? It can't happen again. I thought to myself. Suddenly, my days at Woodbrook passed before me, and I remembered my ex, KC. I shook my head, trying to forget. I reminded myself that this boy was also a mental patient. He didn't look unstable, he looked to be normal. I watched him from the corner of my eye, he shifted his eyes from left to right nervously, as if he was scared of something. Like he was afraid something would attack. I poked him, to see what it would do. He jumped slightly, raising his fists at me. I flinched, waiting for the blow, but it never came. I looked to see him smiling back nervously.

"Sorry," he apologized, "I'm just a little paranoid."

I smiled back softly, "So that's what you're in here for?" I questioned, and he nodded.

"Yeah." he cleared his throat, "I'm Drew, Drew Torres. You are..."

"Clare, Clare Edwards." I said. My heart rate sped up as he stuck his hand out for me to shake. Damn social anxiety, it wasn't even this bad when I first met Alli. My heart rate didn't beat this fast. Memories of KC flooded through my mind as I shook Drew's hand sheepishly.

"So what are you in for?" he whispered, and I tensed up. I didn't wanna tell him, I didn't wanna tell anyone. Not even Alli, and I happened to like her. I couldn't trust anyone any more, trust was something foreign to me. Not even Jenna knew what happened deep within my head. But I also wasn't a liar. I didn't lie to people, instead I withheld the truth. So that's what I did with Drew.

"Social anxiety, it gets pretty bad." I muttered, looking away. I wasn't totally lying, I did have social anxiety. When everyone found out about my problems, I began to think everyone was laughing at me. Whenever I walked down the hall, I felt as if everyone was staring at me. I felt like they were staring into my soul. I was always so self-conscious and I was never able to talk. I never said anything in class because I feared they'd laugh at me again, or call me names. I was always anxious about what people thought about me and how they looked at me. I guess that also factored into my depression. The more anxious I was, the more insecure I got about myself. The more insecure I was, the more depressed I got. I was so caught up in my thoughts and memories, I hadn't even realized the tour was over. Drew was speaking once again.

"Ah, I see." Drew said. "Well, we should go grab dinner, maybe we could sit by my brother."

"Yeah, I guess." I wasn't really all that hungry though, I never was hungry. I followed Drew into the dining hall and my eyes searched the room for Alli. I couldn't see her. We waited in line for food where an elderly woman handed me a tray with a bowl of spaghetti and a juice box. Suddenly, what he said had really sunk in. So I looked to Drew. "You have a brother down here too?" I was a little uneasy about meeting even more new people, I mean... I just met Drew and Alli, and I was still uncomfortable. It was overwhelming to say at the least. I don't think I could handle sitting at a table with tons of people. Then it hit me, tons of people. Suddenly, I looked around and saw just about how many people were actually here. There were so many, and suddenly I could feel about all of their eyes on me. My breathing became erratic as my chest tightened, suddenly, it was hard to breath. My eyes grew wide, and I set my tray down on the counter. Drew eyed me, suddenly realizing what was happening.

"Okay, don't panic." he said, pulling me aside while leaving both our trays on the counter top. "Count backwards from ten, breath in and out." I did as I was told, suddenly feeling the weight lifted off my chest.

"Are you feeling better now?" he asked, eyeing me carefully. "I had a friend with slight social anxiety, so I know how to calm down panic attacks. If you're uneasy about sitting at a table with people, we can always go sit in the foyer or something... I don't really want the first friend I make here to sit and eat alone."

"No, its fine," I insisted. Another person calling me a friend. Though I was still wary of Drew, especially because he was another attractive boy - like KC -, I smiled at him. "I think I can handle sitting with you and your brother, as long as we sit by a wall and I'm at the end seat. What's his name?"

"His name is Adam. He's uhm..." he looked around the room, his eyes lighting up when he caught a glimpse of him, "Right over there!" I looked in the direction Drew was and sure enough, there was a familiar long, black mane.

"Oh! He's with my room mate Alli." I smiled, more comfort coming to me. The more people I knew, the better. I could focus on them and keep myself distracted long enough to not have another attack.

"Even better, c'mon. Focus on the back of my head and ignore everything else. That's how I got my friend through lunch in the cafeteria." he smiled reassuringly at me, and led the way. I focused on the dark brown hair in front of me. Its short, dark brown, spiked up... Probably with gel. Oh, ha, he has a bald spot. I thought to myself, trying to keep myself distracted with my observations.

Soon enough, we were at the table and Drew whispered to who I presumed to be Adam. A spot at the end of the table was cleared for me, and I smiled in thanks. I sat across from Alli, who picked her the spaghetti, and next to Drew. Beside Alli was Adam.

"Clare, Adam. Adam, Clare." Drew introduced, and Adam smiled. He reached out to shake my hand and I politely complied.

"You can call me A-damnnnnnnnnn." he winked, and I snorted.

"I thought we agreed you'd stop doing that." Drew sighed, "Along with saying 'boo-yah'."

"My therapist is trying to get me to voice my thoughts, and that's the first thing I thought of saying. So hush." Adam said, crossing his arms over his chest. Drew just rolled his eyes.  
I studied Adam, he had soft features, unlike Drew, who had chiselled and sharp features. Adam had blue eyes similar to mine, except I noticed his were filled with more.. Life. His brown hair was slicked to the side and his smile was soft and warm.

"So, Clare. How did you meet my ass of a brother?" Adam questioned.

"Orientation, how do you know Alli?" I questioned back. I hated being asked questions, it felt like an interrogation.

"Oh, Alli here is one of the few decent people to talk to here. Other than Eli, but he's not here right now. He said it was one of his 'alone nights', so he decided to skip out on dinner." he explained. Drew's eyes lit up at the mention of Eli's name.

"How is good ol' Goldsworthy?" Drew asked. "I haven't seen him since you two got admitted here."

"He... He's Eli." Adam sighed and Drew gave him a knowing look.

"That's better than not being Eli." Alli reminded them and they all shared a look. I'm not even sure how you can share a three-way look but they somehow managed it. I wanted to ask, but I knew better than to go snooping in other people's business, I remembered where it got me last time. Somehow, I knew there was something they weren't telling me. I understood how Drew knew, even if he was new here like I was. Adam would have probably filled him in and Alli doesn't know me well enough to fill me in on everything yet either. It wasn't my business, so it didn't bother me much.

* * *

Dinner went by quickly, as I listened to Adam and Alli tell Drew and I crazy stories of what has gone on here. Some were believable, some weren't, but I guess crazy stuff would go on here considering its a mental hospital. Next thing I knew, I was tucked in bed. Dawes had just finished checking up on us and then she shut the door. I was surprised when I didn't hear her lock it. I sat up and looked at Alli, who flipped through a fashion magazine.

"They don't lock the door?" I asked, a little shocked. You'd think they didn't want crazies walking around.

"No, not on us. If your condition could lead you to harm someone else then they lock it, if you probably won't, then they don't bother. It would probably drive the insomniacs to insanity if they weren't able to get up and walk around at night." Alli explained.

"They admit people who just have insomnia?" I said, flabbergasted. You'd think it wasn't so bad..

"No, usually people here have more than one thing. Sometimes mental illnesses trigger more, so it isn't rare to see someone with more than one thing going on in the noggin'." she chuckled, "We're all pretty fucked up." I agreed and felt a bit more comfortable, at least I knew I wasn't the only freak with several conditions in this building. Alli continued on, "I for one, do not have insomnia. I hope you don't mind if we turn off the lights and go to bed now."

"I don't have it either," I said, finally something I didn't have, "Good night Alli." She shut off the lights, and got herself settled, "Good night Clare."

* * *

The glowing numbers on the clock read 3:00A.M, taunting me. I had been tossing and turning all night, and I realized this was the first night I've spent not in my room. I sighed, getting up slowly. I tip-toed out of the room, not wanting to wake Alli. Maybe they'd give me a glass of milk or something, if I found a nurse awake at this hour. I didn't wanna have to go all the way to the top floor and wake up Dawes, God knows the woman needs her sleep.

The hallway was dark and it was eerily quiet, the comforting sound of my feet padding on the floor. I gave up on trying to find someone to give me a glass of milk, obvious everyone was dead asleep. I didn't run into any supposed insomniacs while I passed all the patients rooms, so I guessed they decided to have a night off. The comfort of being alone was nice, as I wandered through the dark building. I recognized some of the places the man had shown us on the tour, the recreation room was one. It held a flat screen T.V, a couple of couches and bean bag chairs, and a coffee table. I remembered the man saying that we'd be able to use it in our scheduled leisure days. I passed a couple more rooms, the music room, the yoga room, the art room... Art. Ha, I bet they have everything but sculpting in that room, don't want us crazies to cut ourselves or anything. Finding myself in the empty foyer that was dimly lit. I looked around and across from me, I found a sign that read STAIRS. How weird, I thought to myself, they didn't show that in the tour. In fact, the man said that anything we needed we would use the elevator to get too. I walked towards it, going to open the doors, when suddenly a voice interrupted.

"What do you think you're doing?" the voice asked in a monotone voice. It was a deep voice, so I knew it belonged to a male. I was caught, it was probably some guard ready to sedate the crazy chick, and throw me back into my room. I gulped and turned around, pulling my hand away from the door. To my surprise, I was faced with a teenaged boy. Not another boy, not again, I thought to myself. I could feel my heart rate speed up again, my palms sweaty. I swallowed my pride and did my best to calm my self.

"I could ask you the same thing." I replied back, my voice strong and surprising even myself. I clenched my fists. Though the light was dim, I could see the boys expression hadn't faltered at my strong tone.

"That's the place where they keep the dangerous teens, no one is permitted down there." he said, a monotone voice. I studied him, the dim light illuminating his features. His black hair was slightly long and tousled, probably from tossing and turning in bed like I had done. His green eyes, were captivating. They were such a dark colour of green, it had surprised me. Similar to mine, they showed no emotion. If his eyes were the window to his soul, they would have boards nailed up against them.

"Who died and made you the boss of me?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, my confidence rising. He wasn't nice, he was an ass. Obviously he showed no interest in me, and this time KC hadn't gone through my mind. Instead, my annoyance with this kid rose. His expression changed when I had said that, and I could have sworn I saw a flicker of sadness in his eyes, but it had vanished. His emotionless green eyes mimicked my blue ones as we stared each other down.

"You can't go down there, okay? Just go to bed." he spat, and I rolled my eyes. Not wanting to argue, I huffed and walked off.

I continued wandering down the hall towards my room before my footsteps were joined by another. I looked behind me to see a figure following. My walking sped up and all I wanted was to be in the comfort of my bed, instead of being stalked by a mental person.

"Hey, calm down. It's only me." said a voice from behind. I sighed, it was the kid from earlier.

"Stop following me, I'm going to bed." I spat. Who did he think he was? My mother?

"My room is this way too, smart one."

"Oh." I replied, the blood rushing to my cheeks. Finally, I arrived at the door of my room and I looked behind me to see the figure retire into a room a couple of doors down. I sighed and shut the door behind me. Who was that boy and why was he awake? Why hadn't I seen him in the foyer? Why did he care if I had gone into the more dangerous part of the hospital? These thoughts rushed through my mind before sleep had finally consumed me, and once again, the world had gone black.


	4. Chapter Three

Anon reviews have been enabled. I'm really new to this and I realized I had those off, oops. So here's chapter three.

Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.

Chapter Three

The mysterious green-eyed boy continuously plagued my mind for rest of the morning. I sat in bed, waiting for Alli to return with our food. This morning, I filled Alli in on what had gone down between Drew and I in the cafeteria and we decided it'd be best if I just ate in the room. Alli had offered to keep me company and told me to wait while she went to grab food. For the first time in a while, I didn't want to be left alone. I needed Alli and her mindless chatter to keep my thoughts from wandering to the green-eyed male. I'd be lying if I said the thought of him hadn't plagued my mind since the moment I got up. The questions I had about him were never-ending, like who he was, why he was there... Why he cared so much if I went down into the danger department. I've never had anyone show any interest in me at home or at school, so for me to get here and have a stranger care about my well-being was beyond me. Having more than one friend is actually even more strange. _I guess I'll have something to talk about in therapy today,_ I thought to myself. Therapy. It was something that made me queasy inside. Talking to a complete stranger about how you feel, what you did that day, your personal thoughts. I could hardly tell Jenna any of this, much less a strange forty-something year old. It drained me to just tell Drew, Alli, and Adam I had social anxiety, the only thought getting me through it now is that I'm in the nut house. Everyone around here is messed up. I had to keep reminding myself that no one could point and laugh at me, because they had their own problems to deal with. It was still unnerving to know that someone knew something about me other than my name, but I guess it's better than anyone knowing the truth. I heard the sounds of heels coming down the hallway, and I knew Alli was coming.

"I come baring gifts!" she announced, holding the two trays in the air. I smiled, taking one from her and settling myself on the floor. "And I brought guests."

I looked to the door to see Adam and Drew walk in, each holding a tray. I smiled as brightly as possible, not wanting to show how my heart rate sped up as more people walked into the room. _These are friends, _I reminded myself, _they won't judge you._

"Good morning, how are you fine ladies doing this morning?" Adam said, as he plopped his tray down on the floor. It made a loud bang, causing Drew to jump nervously. Drew shielded his face momentarily, as if waiting for a punch. He soon relaxed and quietly set his food down next to me. Adam gave him an apologetic glance from across the circle we sat in, and Drew smiled.

"It'll get easier, I promise." Alli said, placing her hand on Drew's knee. He tensed, but soon relaxed.

"I hope so." he replied, looking down at his pancakes and taking a bite. I wondered what could have caused him to be so strangely paranoid and I wanted to ask, but I decided against it. I don't want any questions fired back at me. I stared at my food in silence and listened as the three talked, occasionally sharing an opinion or two. Suddenly, Dawes had walked in on our little breakfast and she smiled.

"Good to see you're making some friends Clare." she said, and the four of us looked up at her.

"Yeah, they're good people." I replied back, smiling at Adam who was across from me.

"That's good, I just want to remind you and Drew that your first therapy sessions are today, and that they'll probably prescribe you some medication." Dawes explained, "Continue on with breakfast. I'll leave both your folders here. Inside will be the room number for your therapists and you can just go on up at around 11."

"Alright. Thank you Dawes." Drew said, giving her a charming smile. With that, Dawes had left and I began to breathe once again. I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath. My heart beat became erratic once again and my palms began to sweat.

"Hey Clare, don't worry. It's gonna be alright." Adam said soothingly, rubbing his hand on my back to comfort me. "Your first session is always nerve-wracking, and I can understand its worse in your situation. Just stay strong."  
The words repeated over and over in my head, and I merely nodded. _Stay strong, _I repeated, _s__tay strong._

* * *

"So Ms. Clare, tell me about yourself." the woman encouraged. She looked to be about in her mid-twenties. Her brown hair was pin straight and her glasses sat on the end of her nose. She was supposed to be my therapist, but to be honest she was too attractive to be one. She looked like she belonged on the cover of Vogue. She seemed to want to take things slow, not pushing me out of my comfort zone. I didn't care though, I knew what she wanted. She would build a fake friendship with me, gain my trust, give me medication, then send me out into the world again, thinking they _healed_ me. If they thought a bottle of pills would solve my problems, they better think again. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked out the window to my right.

"My name is Clare." I stated sarcastically. I changed my line of vision, and looked directly into her eyes. I had put up an emotionless front, simply glaring at the woman. She sighed and smiled.

"It's a start." she said as she closed the open notebook on her desk. "You'll be back in two days, see you then Ms. Clare."

"Goodbye Ms. Oh." I said frostily, pushing my chair in I walked out. That was a total waste of time. I spent an hour sitting in that chair just so the woman could watch me and try to make conversation with me. _Such bullshit,_ I thought to myself. I was so caught up in my fury, I smacked into something or rather, someone hard.

"Woah, better watch it." said the masculine voice, I looked up. A wave of emotions coursed through my body as my ocean blue eyes clashed with his sea green. It was the boy from last night, I could never mistake those green eyes. Under better lighting, you could see his eyes were a much lighter shade of green. His hair was slightly less tousled, more tamed, but not clean-cut like Drew. The one thing that hadn't changed was the emotionless state of his eyes. Though you could see a slight smirk play on his lips as he realized who I was.

"To what do I owe the honour, look at who we have here." he said, gesturing to me as if talking to an audience. "It's the Night Crawler."

"Very funny, prick." I growled, storming past him. I was not in the mood to deal with anyone's bullshit today, especially this kids.

"Hey, I didn't mean it.." he said quietly, "I'm sorry."

I stopped in my tracks. I considered turning around to let him off the hook but decided against it and kept walking. When I had reached my room, I felt a small pang in my chest. I couldn't tell what it was.. Was it pity? Did I feel bad for rejecting the boy? I didn't know, but I knew I had felt something that wasn't fake and that was what troubled me. I don't let myself get hurt by others any more, I don't let anyone in. I hadn't even let that boy in, yet he made me feel something for him other than uneasiness. In fact, I didn't feel uneasy around this boy. With Alli, Adam, and Drew... I still felt that way. I liked them, of course I did, they're the first people's company that I allowed myself to enjoy. But what was so different about this boy? Right as I laid my mentally and physically exhausted body on the bed, the door of my room flung open.

"Hey Clare!" Drew said, knocking on the door as he entered. "Wanna come down to the field? It's empty right now and we wanted to sit and talk outside! Alli is there waiting, and Adam's bringing Eli down. Don't be afraid, he's harmless."  
I tried to feign a smile and nodded. I left my trust in Drew for that moment, hoping he was right about this Eli character. I lifted myself up and followed Drew out the door and into the field. Sure enough, there was Alli and Adam, but no sign of a third head.

"Where's Eli?" Drew asked, frowning.

"He's having another one of his dramatic episodes." Alli said, rolling her eyes. "He came out, complained about the mosquitoes, then went inside."

"What a shame, he could have met Clare." Drew said, plopping down next to Alli. I sat next to Adam.

"They'll meet eventually," said Adam, "I think you guys would be great friends." I doubted it, but nodded at Adam, smiling slightly.

"Yeah, sounds nice." I replied, my voice a little shaky. Dammit, I gave myself away. I could see Adam recognize the uneasiness in my eyes and he cleared his throat.

"He's harmless, I promise you. A little dramatic and moody at times, but he has a big heart." Adam said, putting in a good word for the boy. I didn't understand why Adam was so set on having me make more friends. He knew my situation so why was he pushing it? As if reading my thoughts, he spoke up. "I just think you and Eli would be a good friend-match." I nodded at Adam, letting him know I'd try but I make no promises. There was an awkward pause, but Alli decided to break the silence.

"So, what do you guys like better... Waffles or pancakes?"

* * *

Two weeks have gone by and I still couldn't sleep, my thoughts wandering to the green-eyed mystery. I had decided to sneak into the recreation room to watch some T.V, I had high hopes it would get my mind off things. It was quiet again, the only sound was the low noise of the T.V. The only light source was the dim glow of the television set, the face of Zoe Rivas taking up the screen. The show West Drive was the only decent show on at this hour and the drama of it all enthralled me. It took me away from my own little world and pulled me into theirs. The little escape from reality was only temporary, but satisfying.

"Don't you ever sleep when you're supposed too?" a voice asked. I rolled my eyes, I could tell who it was.

"Don't you?" I fired back, not bothering to turn around to speak to him. I felt the couch shift and I knew he had taken it upon himself to sit down. "Who said you could sit there? I asked.

"I don't see anyone sitting here." he said, smugly.

"Yeah, my friend was." I lied, hoping he would buy. I turned to look at him, seeing his eyebrows raised a little.

"Imaginary?" he asked, slightly amused. "I see someone is slightly schizophrenic."

"I'm not." I stated, a little to harshly. He flinched and held up his hands in defence. Strangely enough, I wanted to tell him why I was here. I wanted to tell him about my shitty ex-friends, my shitty ex-boyfriend, my shitty home life, everything. Something inside me wanted to tell him but I bit my tounge. What was wrong with me? I admit, with the help of my therapist -who never pushes me to tell her anything- I have somewhat given up on the thought suicide and have begun to open up. Ms. Oh and I don't talk about my past, she says when I'm ready we can bring it up, but I doubt I'll ever be ready. Instead, we talk about the present and the future. I started letting Alli, Adam, and Drew in slightly. I started to become comfortable with them, I began to feel happier around them. I felt like I had friends again and thoughts of my old "friends" hardly came up. What I'm trying to distinguish here is that, it would make sense if I had these feelings around them but not this mystery kid. Why did I want to tell him?

"Sorry." he said, breaking the word down in syllables. He turned his head to the T.V and I began to watch the show once again. The mysterious boy had grown quiet and I thought my prayers had been answered. I snuck a glance at him. I eyed him, as if his appearance would show me why I wasn't nervous around him, why I felt as if I could trust him. I saw his gaze move from the T.V to mine and he looked at me, I quickly averted my eyes. I could feel him eyeing me, watching my every move. I tried to act as if I was engulfed in the T.V, but I really wasn't. My heart began to beat faster, my palms became sweaty, and my mind was racing. I thought I was going to have another panic attack, but I didn't. It never came. Instead I felt my stomach twist in knots. This feeling was familiar, but I couldn't tell what it was. It wasn't anxiety or an upcoming panic attack. It definitely wasn't anger or sadness. It wasn't even happiness, a feeling I had regained when I was with Alli, Adam, and Drew. I felt like I was gonna throw up, but I wasn't sick. I had been taking my medication for the past ten days, a reaction couldn't be happening this late. He cleared his throat and stood up.

"I'll be going now." he said on his way out of the door. He stopped and turned around. I twisted my body from the couch to face him, my eyes meeting his. "You have- Uhm, your eyes are really blue." he whispered, before bolting out the door.

I sat there, wondering what he was going to say before he changed his mind. My mind began racing with possibilities of what the boy had yet to say, before it came to an abrupt halt. I realized what I had felt before; _I was nervous. _It wasn't the normal kind either. It was the kind I felt back when I was with _K.C._ I couldn't help it as tears had begun to fall from my eyes, like they have each time K.C. came to mind. I held my knees to my chest and muffled the sob that made its way out. I couldn't shake the feeling someone was watching me, but I shook it off, not caring at this point. I couldn't let myself be hurt in that way again. Out of all the things that sucked in my life, what K.C. did, hurt me the most. I was letting myself feel this way again over a boy I had less than five conversations with and this was not okay. I couldn't let myself feel anything more than what I already did around this boy, I just couldn't.


	5. Chapter Four

Reviews, follows, and favourites make me happy.  
I think I might change the title for this, "Drowning" doesn't really seem to be a good fit. I'll put it in the description if the title does change so you can find the story though!

Disclaimer: Degrassi isn't mine

Chapter Four

"So Clare, what's on your mind?" Ms. Oh asked, clasping her hands together on the desk. She looked at me expectantly. I laid on the couch in the small office and stared up at the ceiling. _Should I tell her about the boy?_, I questioned in my head. To be honest, now that I was having feelings other than anger and sadness, I wasn't quite sure how to cope with anything else. If I told her about the boy, it might make me look truly crazy. I could end up buying myself a ticket to downstairs crazy town. I decided against it and turned my head to look at her.

"Not much really." I stated, "I'm just getting along better with Alli and the boys."

"How does that make you feel?" she asked. It was such a typical therapist question, I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

"I don't know, I guess its kind of nice to be getting along with people again; Y'know, being around people with the feeling of certainty that they aren't judging me or laughing at me. It's just nice. I'm not sure if I can trust them yet, but it's leading towards that path."

She nodded and jotted something down on the notebook in front of her, then asked, "You don't have to tell me the whole story or anything at all but Clare.. What brought on the issues of trust?"

I gulped and stared at the ceiling. Was I ready to talk about that bit of my past? Was that something I wanted to share with Ms. Oh? I knew she wasn't going to tell anyone, she wasn't allowed too. My gut told me that I should tell someone. I felt like there were two voices in my head, one telling me to spill my guts out and the other telling me to shut up. Strangely enough, my mind drifted towards the boy. I knew this was something I needed to get off my chest, so I took a chance and kept the boy in my mind. It was as if he was my strength, my hope... For the time being. I didn't understand why the boy gave me such courage, but I just had a gut feeling. I felt as if... I could do it, I could be cured, as long as I had him on my mind. So, I sat up and hugged my knees. I kept my eyes shut and tried to stop the tears from coming as memories came rushing through. I choked back a sob and began to speak.

"When I was in middle school, I had some friends find out _my problems._ They thought I was weird and ditched me. They made fun of me, they called me names." I sighed, all the things they called me went through my mind. "Then, they broke my trust. They told the whole school." I couldn't continue on as sobs made their way out. I felt Ms. Oh come over and wrap her frail arms around me, holding me tight. She rubbed my back and whispered comforting words in my ear. _Comfort._ It was a foreign feeling, mostly because I had never gotten it from my mom or dad. I couldn't take the time to appreciate it though, I was to busy sobbing into my knees.

I don't know how long I had cried for but when I finally stopped, I thanked Ms. Oh and made my way out. I felt exhausted and thankfully, Alli was out doing her morning yoga therapy, so I had the room to myself. I let my feet drag against the floor while I walked to my room. I made it to my bed before I collapsed and settled into a deep slumber.

* * *

The glowing green numbers; **4:00 A.M. **stared me in the face. I had slept through the entire day. I guess you could say that crying really took the energy out of me. My eyes felt like they were on fire. I knew they were all dry and puffy, I really hoped they weren't red. I wanted to go to the bathroom to check but I didn't want the light to wake my sleeping room mate. My stomach was growling, the punishment for not eating since breakfast. So, I slowly tiptoed out of bed, cringing when the floors squeaked beneath my feet. I successful left the room without waking Alli and continued down the hall. _I really hope the cook has started on breakfast, _I thought to myself. Maybe she'd slip me a hash brown or something.

I was in luck, the cook had decided to come in early. Even though she didn't have much cooked yet, she gave me some cereal and a couple of hash browns she had finished making. She flicked on a couple of lights in the large cafeteria and left me alone to eat. I thoughtfully munched on a hash brown and replayed what had happened in therapy today. I had let Ms. Oh in today. She knew of my past and as of right now, I wasn't sure if that was a step forward or three steps back. I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone in and now I was letting a woman I just met know about me. Was this right? They kept telling me I was in the process of healing, but I always wondered to myself if I truly needed to be healed. _What they're doing isn't helping me, _I thought angrily, _they're only bringing up my past. Making me remember things I don't want to. _I took a spoonful of cereal and propped my head up on my fist. _I don't need help, I need to be left the fuck alone, _those words echoed in my head, over and over. I began to trace back in time, back to when I let my guard down. It all went back to _him. _The boy, whose name I didn't even know. But how could it be him? I didn't even know him, we didn't even talk. I was so confused, I didn't know what to believe... I didn't know what to think. All the anger and confusion bubbled deep within me, I felt like I was going insane, I was truly a maniac. My heart began to beat faster, I dropped the spoon I was holding and gripped the table. I began to breath heavily, trying to get some air into my lungs. I felt as if I couldn't hold on much longer, but then strong arms wrapped around my waist.

"It's going to be okay." he whispered, "Count to ten with me."

I did as I was told and soon my heart beat slowed, and I felt wiped. I still felt light-headed, probably from being starving and then having the attack. I looked up to see who had helped me, half expecting to see a male nurse. But when I looked up, my blue orbs crashed with green ones. I was familiar with them, I knew these eyes. Eyes that held no emotion every time I looked into them now showed worry. _He was worried about __**me.**_

"You?" I whispered. "Are you stalking me? Why do you feel showing up when I want to be **alone.**" It came out in a harsh tone, which was the most I could manage, the light-headedness catching up to me. I quickly pulled myself out of his grasp and sat as far away as I could. I suddenly felt cold at the sudden loss of body heat. Strangely enough, I found myself not wanted to be so far away from him. I pushed the thought aside and held the table to keep me up right. He raised his eyebrows, a little tinge of hurt etched across his features. To my surprise, he didn't hide it, he let it show.

"No, I'm not." he said carefully, "I just like to walk at night, and lately, I've noticed you do too.". He smirked before continuing, "I believe the words your looking for are thank-you. I don't know what I've done to you or what you have against me, but can't we just roam the dark halls in piece?"

"No! No, we can't!" I managed to get out. I pointed a finger at him. As of now, it didn't make sense as to why I felt this way around him or what exactly made me feel like I could ever _trust anyone again, _but I knew it was because of him. It all began with him and I'm going to blame him for it. I'm definitely three steps back from where I was, opening up was not the answer and I wasn't being healed. I'm even worse than before. I continued on, "You! You need to stop talking to me! Stop giving me feelings of hope! It's all your fault I'm worse! **It's all your fault!**"

"My fault?" he whispered harshly, "I just saved you from a fucking panic attack and you're blaming me?! You don't even know me!"

"All I know, is that since I met you, my guard has been down. _I fucking talked about my past, _and its all because of you! I don't even know your name and I'm acting completely different. Its like you shot the knight who guarded my inner self. All I know is that this needs to stop, so I can stop, so that I can just be alone. So that no one can know anything. So no one has the power to hurt me." I was in tears now, I saw his face relax into understanding and pity. "I just- I just..." I couldn't finish my sentence. I was too light-headed and began to feel my eyes get droopy. I felt myself lose control of my body and I waited for the impact of my body hitting the floor. It never came. Instead I drifted into peaceful slumber.

* * *

AN: I don't do these often, but hey, there's a first time for everything. So, a short chapter today! I know its weird and you may be left confused as to why Clare feels this way. But I promise any confusion you have now will be cleared up in the end. I'm still in the process of planning out the middle, but I do have an ending planned.


	6. Chapter Five

Tell me whatcha' think in a review, woohoo. I've been crazy busy lately, so sorry for taking a while. I CHANGED THE NAME IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED. This is formerly known as "Drowning". Thanks!

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi

Chapter Five

I awoke in a small, white room. It had transparent walls,the cot I laid on, and a chair. I looked to my right to see the worried face of Dawes. She smiled when she noticed I was awake.

"What happened?" I asked, the night before was a blur. The last thing I remember is being hungry and looking for cereal.

"You fainted last night." she stated, looking at me. "You had a panic attack and since you were starving, you got light headed. Then you fainted and a boy brought you here."

Memories of last night came rushing back and I frowned. _He helped me, _I thought to myself, _after everything I said to him. _I assumed he thought I was probably more insane than I lead on, considering everything I blamed him for. I couldn't explain why it was his fault, but I knew it was. Something about him was changing me and I didn't like it. Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Why did he have to be so darn nice and bring me to -what I assumed to be- the infirmary? I knew it sounded stupid, especially if he was kind enough to bring me here, but I hated him.

"I hate him." I said coldly, hopping off the cot. Dawes looked surprised, but didn't judge me. She didn't say a word about it as I stomped out of the infirmary. I heard her faintly call after me, reminding me about group therapy today. I turned back and sent her a faint nod, telling her I heard her and continued to storm down the hallway. I didn't know where I was going or how far into the hospital I wanted to go, but I knew I wanted to be alone. I continued walking, turning at every corner, until I came to a stop. The doors were transparent and I could see a dozen book cases filled with books. I had found a library. Way back when, before everything happened, I used to love reading and writing. It was my passion, but I began to let it go when everything started happening. Things became more important in my mind and I just couldn't pursue it any more. I stared at the library and quietly made my way to the door. My hand almost touched the door, but I pulled it back. I couldn't bring myself to go inside, I just couldn't.

I continued aimlessly walking around the building, up until an announcement came over the P.A**. **reminding me that group therapy was today. I sighed, I really wasn't up for any of this. My feet brought me to the lounge where a couple of teens sat in a circle on the floor. I reluctantly joined them, taking the last empty spot I found.

They droned on and on for hours, talking about their issues. I couldn't believe them, I didn't even know who they were, yet they were so willing to spill their guts out in front of me. I didn't know their names, yet I know about their lives, their thoughts, their deepest, darkest secret. I didn't know her name, but I knew she was abused by her father. I didn't know his name, but I knew about his deep addiction to cocaine. What _really _baffled me, was how they acted as if talking about it was normal. It was so casual, so impersonal. I guess that they had done this for a while, but still. Things like this, things that changed their lives _for the worse,_ aren't casual conversation topics. I stared at the floor, silently listening. Suddenly, I could all eyes on me. I peaked up through my bangs, wearily eyeing the teens in the room, along with the therapist.

"So, you haven't shared much Clare." said the therapist. I think his name was Dr. Perino.

"I have nothing to say," I muttered. I looked at the floor, trying to block out the anxiety. I felt like I was back in school, walking down the hall. Everyone staring at me, probably judging me. The room suddenly began to feel hot and once again, my heart rate began to speed up. I counted to ten in my head and slowly began to feel the beating in my chest return to normal.

"I'm sure you do." the man encouraged, "You can trust us. It helps to talk about it, you know."

When he uttered the words "You can trust us.", I lost it. A swirl of emotions ran through me. I began to see red and black spots before my eyes. That's exactly what _they _said, it's what _they _told me. Look at where it got me. I shot up and pointed my finger accusingly at him, at all of them. I knew inside my head that they weren't my _friends_, but in that moment I didn't care. All I could see in their places were the faces of those traitors.

"I can trust you?!" I yelled, so loud, it probably scared the more fragile ones. I didn't care. "I can't _trust_ _any of you. _Trusting you people is what landed me in this **fucking **mental hospital. Trust is the last thing I need to do. What you people need to do is **get the fuck out of my face.**" I stormed out, slamming the door behind me. Before anyone could follow, or possibly sedate me, I ran. I ran as fast as I could.

Eventually, I found myself in front of the library. Without hesitating this time, I ran inside. It looked deserted, as if no one had come in for fifty years. I was hoping no one else would come in. I wandered around, my thoughts blank. I pulled out random books and found myself a cozy couch. It was in the corner of the library, hidden by bookshelves, so I was sure no one could find me. I sat there for a while, not touching the books. I hugged my knees to my chest and silently cried. Why is it that I'm stuck living in this hell? Constantly reliving the past.

_Why couldn't I trust anyone? Why couldn't they have just been good friends? They didn't even have to be my friends, they just had to keep my secrets. Those damn secrets. Why was I so fucked up?_ I let the tears fall, as the thoughts ran amuck in my head. _I should have just kept my mouth shut. I shouldn't have told them about my short-lived alcohol addiction, my cutting, my insecurities, my parents. How I felt. If I had kept it inside, I wouldn't have gone through this hell. _Since the day it was leaked, people would look at me funny. They'd stare, whisper, and judge. They thought I was just some freak who _enjoyed _cutting, who _enjoyed _drowning in alcohol. They thought I did it because I just did. They thought I was _born like that. Born a fuck up. _The girls, who I had thought were my friends, didn't even know the whole story. They didn't know about my home problems, about my parents. They didn't know how drinking made me forget for a while. They didn't know how the cutting helped ease the pain I felt emotionally. They didn't know how badly I wished I could stop, _but couldn't._ They didn't know why I did anything, they didn't care. They finally had some juicy gossip and used it for their own entertainment. From that day on, I swore to never trust again. To never give someone the power to rip my life apart, once again.

I let more tears fall, as I began to think of how it got worse. Eventually, things did simmer. People still stared, still judged, still whispered... But I wasn't the hottest topic around school any more. I could walk the halls with only a few stares and I could live with it. That is, until I met **K.C. Guthrie. **He turned my world upside down. He used me, humiliated me, and that's when the social anxiety began. Not only did people stare and whisper, but they _laughed._ They pointed. I was always self-conscious, always unsure. I began to feel panicked in public, thinking the whole world knew of my stupidity. How... Naive and pathetic I was. I tried to talk to my parents, but they were to busy and I was left to fend for myself alone. Somehow, I could feel myself spiraling deeper and deeper into a pit. I felt like I was drowning, with no way to stop it. Soon everything bundled together led me to depression. The rest after that, was history.

I sat on the couch for... I don't know how long. Wrapped up in my thoughts, I could feel my eyes slowly begin to close. I knew I wasn't going to be asleep for long, but I felt like I needed to escape from my thoughts. Even if it was just for a few hours. So I let my eyes fully shut, hugged myself tightly, and I drifted off into a dreamless slumber.


	7. Chapter Six

Chapter Six

By the time I had gotten up, the morning was long gone. I winced at the pain I felt in my neck, for sleeping in such an awkward position. I twisted myself around, feeling the sweet crack in my back as I stretched out. The clock read twelve pm, but I wasn't even hungry. I was just looking forward to going to back my room and curling up in bed for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, I wasn't granted such a luxury.

I walked into the small bedroom I shared, to find Alli and Drew sitting on the floor, eating lunch. When I entered the room, they looked up at me. Alli gasped slightly and stood up, running over to hug me.

"Clare! Where have you been?!" she asked. She let go of me and held me at arm's length, examining me. I don't know where she thought I had gone too, but she had all kinds of worry etched on her mocha coloured face.

"I'm not hurt, Alli." I said, shrugging her off. It was a slight lie, I wasn't hurt _physically. _I walked in the direction of my bed, climbing under the covers. I hoped they would leave me alone, but I never get what I want, do I?

"Where have you been?" Alli asked. I peaked through the covers, eyeing the angry south asian. Her manicured hands were on her hips. I looked at Drew for help, but he simply shrugged and stood next to Alli. Who did this girl think she was? She didn't need to know anything about me. It wasn't her business where I was. The questions continued, "Why didn't you come back in the morning? Why did you leave? Are you hurt? Were you sneaking out?"

"None of your business." I muttered, climbing under the covers once again. Alli came over and ripped half the covers off of me, obvious anger in her face.

"You need to tell me these things, Clare! So I don't have to worry about you all the time." Alli yelled, Drew slightly held her back. He looked at me apologetically, but I could tell her agreed with her statement.

"It's **my** business, Alli. No one said you had to worry about me." I said, my voice rising. Anger coursed through my veins. "Who do you think you are?! You're just my _room_ _mate._ I don't have to tell you anything! It's none of your business. I don't have to tell you anything, because you're only my _friend. _I don't have to trust you, I don't have to trust anyone!"

I immediately regretted what I had said as I saw the flash of hurt in Alli's eyes. Drew took this as his moment to leave the room. As a boy, I guessed his natural instinct was to flee from female drama. I felt a deep pit in my stomach, a deep pit a guilt. The hurt in Alli's eyes was enough to make me want to cut my tongue off for speaking to her like that.

"Alli..." I started, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out that way, it's just that-"

"What happened Clare? You were making such good progress." she said, plopping down on the floor.

"I can't tell you." I whispered, looking down at my legs.

"Why not?" Alli asked, the hurt was clear in her voice. I shut my eyes, making them a barricade for the tears threatening to spill.

"I just... I can't give anyone that much power any more." I whispered, hugging my knees to my chest.

"What power?" she asked, her voice, now curious.

"The power to hurt me." it came out as barely a whisper, but they were the loudest words in the room.

Alli sighed and looked me straight in the eyes. Her brown eyes bore into my blue ones. "Clare, have I ever told you why I was here?" she asked. I nodded.

"Yeah, you said you were bulimic." I responded, sounding confused.

"Well there's more," she started, her eyes averted to the floor. "There was a boy."

"A boy? What does that have to do with any-" I started to say, but Alli cut me off.

"Let me finish, Clare." she said and I nodded, keeping my mouth shut.

"His name was Johnny DiMarco. I was absolutely smitten with the boy. He was in twelfth grade, I was in ninth." she smiled dreamily, but the smile was soon replaced with a frown. "I did everything in my power to get with him, I practically laid myself down for him, all he had to do was take me. I continued to pester him and eventually, he gave in. I met up with him in a place called the ravine. It was where a bunch of stoners hung out to party and he took me into a van. I knew he just wanted me for sex, I knew he was just going to use me... But I didn't care. I was so '_in love' _with him that I was gonna let him. He didn't care that it was my first time, he wasn't gentle or caring, instead he was forceful and rough. I cried out in agony when he first did _it, _but he just kept going. It was the worst thing I've ever done, but I let him.. Because I 'loved' him. When it ended, he just rolled off me and began to pull on his clothes. I looked at him hopefully, and I asked him, 'does this mean we're boyfriend and girlfriend?'. Do you know what he did?" she paused and looked at me, her eyes brimmed with tears. I shook my head. "He laughed, he said, 'No, you're not exactly my type. I go for skinny, beautiful girls and well... You're not exactly either of those. Truth be told, you could lose a couple of pounds.'. Then he left me in the van. I quietly got dressed and snuck back into my house. I wasn't disappointed, instead I was determined. From then on, I tried so hard to be the girl he wanted. I started throwing up to 'lose' those pounds, I used excessive amounts of make up to become the 'pretty' he wanted. It was never enough for Johnny and eventually, I wasn't enough for myself in the mirror. I became depressed because now, I couldn't even please myself when I looked into the mirror. I always thought to myself, _if I don't like how I look, how will other people?_. Slowly, I sank deeper into my depression. My grades went down because I never wanted to leave the house. My parents kept stressing me about school and my grades, so I began cutting to deal with it. One day, I wasn't careful about hiding the scars and my mom came home while I was asleep on the couch. She saw them and next thing I knew, I was sent here."

I was speechless by the time Alli had finished her story. She looked at me and smiled, reassuringly. "But I'm a lot better now, sure I have my bad days, but that's life. You don't have to say anything, its okay. I just want you to know, that I've gone through rough patches too. You can tell me anything, Clare, because I'm messed up too. You aren't fighting this battle alone." I wanted to say something, but no words came out. Alli continued on, "I don't want your secrets or your thoughts, Clare. I want your friendship. I may want to know where you went, but I won't dig any deeper. I worry about you because I want to be your _friend._"

I merely nodded at her, processing her words. She smiled hugely and gave me a bear hug, tackling me to the ground. We both giggled, and I hugged her back, just as tight. _She doesn't want to know about my past or my thoughts, she just wants general information, so she doesn't freak out about what's going on, _I thought to myself, _I could handle that. _

"Alli, for a long time, maybe forever, I'm gonna be uncomfortable sharing anything." Alli pulled back, and frowned slightly. But I quickly finished the rest of my sentence, "But for you, I can at least tell you where I go and stuff like that. I can _try for you._ I want this friendship to work, Alli." She pulled me back in for a hug, and we stayed like that. Simply enjoying each others presence.

Drew walked in moments later and smiled at the sight. We pulled away and stared at him expectantly.

"We should hang out, Adam is getting bored and is harassing me." Drew said, whining a little at the end.

"Awh, big, tough jock can't handle little, tiny Adam." Alli said, pouting at the end. I laughed and Drew rolled his eyes.

"C'mon, please." he whined, and I sighed and got up.

"Lets go, Alli." I said, holding my hand out to her to help her up. All three of us walked out the room, Drew leading the way.

We were led to the recreation room and I heard Adam's voice from down the hallway, "NO FAIR! YOU CAN'T PUSH ME OFF RAINBOW ROAD!"

Alli gasped, "Are they playing Mario Kart?"

My eyes got wide, and I cracked a smile, "I **love **Mario Kart! First one there gets to play Adam!" I bolted down the hallway, Drew and Alli following closely behind. When I got to the room, I was panting and I turned around. "HA, I get to play first!"

"No fair, you got a head start." Alli whined, but I just smiled in victory. I turned around to tell Adam I wanted to play, but I was suddenly speechless as I looked at the boy sitting next to Adam. His hair tousled perfectly, black clothing, and striking green eyes were all to familiar to me.

"Oh Clare! I guess they found you, great of you to join us!" Adam said, not noticing my large eyes. I didn't even glance at Adam as my eyes were fixated on the boy next to him. The boy's green eyes bore into mine, in surprise, and his mouth turned up into a slight smirk. I simply nodded at Adam's words. Adam, unfazed, continued on, "This is my friend, Eli."


	8. Chapter Seven

Forgot the disclaimer last chapter, oops.  
I DONT OWN DEGRASSI

Chapter Seven

"This is my friend, Eli. The one I've wanted you to meet?"

My head began to swirl with emotions and I was slightly nauseous at the sight. I nodded again, the words caught in my throat. What was I supposed to say? This is the bastard who's subconsciously changing me and I don't even know how? Was I supposed to ask if the kid- or rather, _Eli- _was some sort of voodoo artist? In that moment, I wasn't really sure what to do. So I did what I've been doing a lot of lately, I ran out. I could hear them calling after me, but I didn't care. I just ran, as fast as I could. I went to the place I knew I could truly be alone, the library.

I found the familiar couch and sat myself down. _Should I have gone back? _I wondered to myself, _should I have made Eli leave instead? _I mentally scolded myself, I let Eli affect me once again. I let him scare me away. I was angry and frustrated, I couldn't cope with the overwhelming emotions coursing through my body. I screamed into the couch cushions, hoping that it would somehow get rid of what I was feeling. It didn't work. A single tear ran down my cheek, not from sadness, but from frustration. I found myself crying a lot more in this institution than I did at home. I wanted to escape, to forget everything, even if it was just for a moments notice. My eyes fell on a book that laid on the coffee table. I didn't remember picking up the book from the previous night, but I picked it up anyway. It was a Chuck Palahniuk book. I loved reading his stories way back when, this one was a particular favourite. I picked up the book and soon, I became enveloped in a whole new reality.

* * *

When I had finished the book and my release from reality was over, I returned to the room. I found Alli sitting there quietly, two trays of dinner ready for the both of us. I smiled mentally when she didn't question why I ran out, though she did have a questioning look on her face. Alli and I began our meal and she talked on and on about how she had beat Adam at Mario Kart. I was actually kinda disappointed I didn't get to play, but hey, there was always tomorrow.

I heard a knock at the door and my heart rate sped up. The only ones that ever came to our room were Drew and Adam... Would Eli be with them now? I didn't get much time to freak out and wonder, because Alli had yelled for them to come in.

Much to my dismay, three men were standing in the room; Adam, Drew, and _Eli,_ who still had that stupid smirk plastered on his face. I couldn't leave again, not this time. I couldn't let him win like that. I had to learn to control myself, instead of letting him control me. So I sat there and crossed my arms over my chest, sending my best glare towards Eli. This only widened his smirk. They sat down, across from Alli and I. Adam looked at me with a questioning look on his face. I just hoped it wasn't because I ran away earlier. Drew, however, had the same goofy smile plastered on his face.

"Hi guys, thought we'd come by for our usual dinner time." Drew said, digging into the food he had brought with him. With his mouth full, he mumbled, "This time, we brought Eli." His smile got even wider, and I mentally questioned how that was even possible. I shuddered at the name Eli, it just seemed more _real _knowing his name. I shifted uncomfortably on the floor and focused on the food in front of me. I could feel someone's eyes on me, but I tried my best to ignore it, afraid it would be _him._ I listened to their mindless chatter, Alli going on and on about beating Adam in Mario Kart. Until, Adam decided to interrupt the excited girl.

"So Clare, was something wrong earlier? Why did you leave so suddenly? I was looking forward to playing some Mario Kart with you." Adam frowned. I could tell his question spiked the interest of the other three occupants in the room. Eli's especially. I looked up meekly, focusing on Adam. I really tried to find a good lie, but I couldn't get one out.

"I- Uhm... Well, I was just shocked to see someone else in the room. You know, social anxiety, that's all." I muttered. It was half of the truth, which was good enough for me. Adam nodded and went back to his food. I could tell he saw the bullshit in my statement but didn't push further. Eli looked at me, his eyebrow slightly raised. I averted my eyes toward my food. The conversation switched to Alli, who continued to brag about beating Adam.

Throughout the dinner, I could feel Eli's green eyes watching me. I felt like he could see right through me and for someone like me, that was the most uncomfortable feeling. I was mentally begging this meal to end as quickly as possible. Not even listening Alli's gloating could ease my nerves. I felt my heart rate pick up slightly, but it was bearable. I sighed inwardly, it was going to be a long dinner.

* * *

2:30 A.M, and I couldn't get myself to sleep. In my time at this hospital, I've managed to screw up yet another thing; my sleeping schedule. I sighed, rolling myself out of the soft bed I laid on. The floor was a lot colder than usually, I assumed it had something to do with September coming closer. On bright side, I get to miss school in exchange for staying here. I won't have to hear what they're all saying about me... At least for now. I slipped on some slippers and tiptoed out of the quiet room.

I was used to the quiet shuffle of my feet and the eerily dark hallways of the institution, it was something that calmed me down more than creeped me out. In my late night endeavours over the past couple of weeks I've been here, I've been to every room. The recreation room, the yoga studio, the cafeteria, everywhere... Except my new favourite; the library.

I soon arrived in front of the glass doors that separated the world from my safe haven and I stepped inside. The library was dimly lit, the lights illuminating the thousands of books on the shelves. To the average eye, it would be a creepy sight, but to me, it was really peaceful. I declared it to be my library because when I found it, it looked like no one had stepped foot in it for centuries. As I neared my corner of the library, I saw the lamp on the coffee table lit. I mentally wondered to myself if I had accidentally left it on.

As I get closer to the couch, I hear the sound of a page turning and I freeze. I can't see anyone sitting on the couch, so maybe I'm imagining it, but then I hear another turn of the page. I contemplate running, but I'm too late. The source of the noise had gotten up from the couch and stared me directly in the eyes. I was frozen in place, eyes wide, like a deer in headlights. He wasn't allowed to be here, this was _my _safe haven from _him. _

He seemed to be just as surprised to see me, his eyebrows raised slightly. "Fancy seeing you here." he greets, a smirk making its way onto his face.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, throwing as much venom into my voice as I could. I began to back away, but Eli hopped up from the couch, taking a step towards me.

"Well, you see... This is a library. So what exactly do you think I'm doing here?" he asked, sarcasm dripping in his tone. My anxiousness begins to disappear and is replaced by high annoyance.

"I meant, why are you here? No one ever comes here." I reply dryly. At this point, I only want to leave and never see his stupid face again.

"To be perfectly honest with you, I thought that too... Until you decided to show up." he said, rubbing his neck. I glanced at the book in his hand and I realize it was the one I had read earlier.

I just stared at him awkwardly, and I bite my bottom lip before speaking again. "Well, I'm gonna go." I turned around and began to walk out before his voice stops me.

"Wait! Can I ask you a question?" he says softly, and I turn slightly to look at him. He asks, "Why did you run away earlier... When you saw me." I can't see it in his eyes, but I can hear it in his voice. It holds a mixture of hurt and confusion and I can't help but pity him.

"Do you not remember what I said to you the night before?" I ask softly.

"Another question, why do you think that it's my fault?" he questions. I open my mouth to speak, but he continues on, "I mean, don't you think its the therapy? Maybe you're making progress?"

My anger flares at his suggestion, "No! Its you! I was doing fine protecting myself up until I met you! I let my gaurd down and it began when I met you!"

"What was so different about me?" he challenged. I was stumped, I didn't have much of an answer for him. I haven't had one since I made this assumption. _What was different about him?_ Then suddenly, the night we met replayed in my mind. It was cause he cared. He was different because he, in some non-direct, stupid way, cared about me. He wouldn't let me go into the danger department. Maybe it was stupid, maybe he was just following rules, but to me he cared.

When I felt like someone actually cared, I began to open up. I began to change. Instead of answering his question, I asked him one. "Why did you care so much that night we met.. Why did you care if I went into the danger department?"

He looked taken back, but recovered and shrugged casually, "I was following rules."

I could see the lies in his eyes and I shook my head bitterly, "That's a lie, you and I both know it."

"Why won't you answer my question? I asked first." he shot back at me.

"You want an answer?" I said. He nodded his head at me and looked at me expectantly. I sighed, "Because whether or not you'll admit it, you cared about me that night. _**Me. **__A total stranger._"

He looked surprised at my honesty and stared into my eyes. A moment of intense silence passed over us. We inched closer and closer to each other, our bodies so close to truly making contact.

"So, tell me, why did you care?" I whispered, staring into his eyes, searching for some sort of answer. In that moment, I was bold. I wasn't anxious at our proximity, I wasn't nervous, I wasn't annoyed. I was brave. I was just a girl, who wanted answers.

"Because I did, okay?" he admitted. "I wanted to be your friend, Clare. I would be a pretty bad friend if I let you get yourself killed down there."

I took a step back, shocked that for the first time, he actually said my name. It sounded foreign coming from him, but it also sounded right. It didn't sound bitter, like when K.C. said it, it didn't sound formal, like when Ms. Oh would say it, it sounded like it belonged on his tongue. Part of me wanted to agree to his request, but another part of me told myself to say no. I listened to the latter. I remembered how he was changing me, how I couldn't let him do that.

What was wrong with me? I was _kissing distance _away from another boy. I was spilling my secrets to a therapist. I was confident. I was bold. It all happened around Eli. The fact that he cared wasn't the only reason for change, I could feel it. There was something about him that made me feel comfortable, and that's why I was so uncomfortable.

I shook my head at him, "I can't, Eli. You.. You're changing me. I can't trust anyone any more. I can't be who you're turning me into. Something about you isn't right, I'm different around you. I can't do that to myself, all the years I've spent _constructing _myself to protect myself... I can't let it be destroyed by you. I'm sorry, but we can't be friends."

I watched him turn around and walk away slowly, shaking his head. I thought for sure I had hurt him. I felt the urge to tell him I took it all back, that I wanted to be his friend. But I resisted and watched him go.

_It's for the best, _I thought to myself, _you need to protect yourself first. Don't let this boy change you._

His hand rested on the door handle before he turned around and stared at me directly in the eyes. I expected to find hurt in his eyes, but I only saw a lighter, more playful shade of green. That ever-present smirk, playing on his lips.

"I don't give up that easy, Clare."


	9. Chapter Eight

Thanks for being super patient with my uploads guys, I've been crazy busy lately.

I DON'T OWN DEGRASSI

Chapter Eight

"Clare, hon, may I speak with you?"

I peek out from my bathroom and see Dawes standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed across her chest, foot tapping. Her face resembles my mothers when she's about to give me a good lecture. Running the brush through my hair once more, I step out of the bathroom, still in my pyjamas.

"Yeah, sure. What's up?" I ask, striding across the room and taking a seat on my bed. I avoid all eye contact with her, because I already know why she's here. Weeks have gone by, since that night with Eli in the library. I've done an excellent job of avoiding any contact with him, my therapist, or well... The whole outside world for that matter. Alli brings both our meals to the room, so really, I don't ever need to leave. Since I never leave, I've been skipping all treatment days. I don't even take my medication any more, so to say I was slightly on edge, was an understatement.

"I hear that you've skipped therapy, multiple times." Dawes said, the patient tone in her voice, scaring me slightly.

"You could say that." I mumbled back. Suddenly, my feet were pretty fascinating.

"And I snuck a peek last night at your medicine, it looks like you haven't been taking it." I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I felt a knot form in my stomach, both from nervousness and guilt. I looked up, and saw her staring at me with tired eyes. "I want you to take your medication, _now._"

Something told me there was no getting around her. I reluctantly got up and walked into the bathroom. Bringing the pills out with me, she looked at me expectantly.

"I can't swallow under pressure," I tried to lie. She shook her head at me.

"_Now Clare." _

I untwisted the cap and let one small, red and blue pill fall into my hands. I lifted it to my lips and took the small pill into my mouth, dry swallowing it. I could feel the small lump force its way down my throat and I winced from the unpleasantness. Dawes nodded in approval. I thought this little confrontation was over, but she grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hallway.

"Where are we going?" I asked. I blushed at the stares I was earning from others passing by, I was in_ teddy-bear pyjama shorts and a tank top _for crying out loud! To say that I was slightly anxious at the looks I was receiving would be a lie. I was _extremely _anxious. Not in the dangerous panic attack way, but in the normal teenage girl way. May I say once again, _I was in teddy bear pyjama shorts. _

"You could've let me change." I muttered.

"No, I couldn't have. If you want time to get ready in the morning, how about you start going to therapy without us having to force you too." Dawes said, sternly. I ripped my hand from her grasp.

"I am not going there." I said, venom laced in my words.

"Listen here, Clare." Dawes said sternly, "You are going, whether you enjoy it or not." I'm not sure if it was the fierceness in her eyes or the sternness of her words, but I did nothing but nod. I let the old woman man handle me all the way to the therapy room.

She continued dragging me down the hall, muttering unintelligible words a woman her age should not be muttering. She practically threw me into the room, letting the door slam shut in her hasty exit. I was left alone in the small room, with one disappointed looking Ms. Oh.

"Clare, how nice to see you again. Please sit down."

* * *

"That was terrible." I muttered to myself after exiting the therapy room. I sighed. It was a terribly awkward session. I said nothing, simply ignoring Ms. Oh, despite how nice she was being to me after skipping many sessions.

I was tense and frustrated. I felt annoyed and slightly guilty for being, probably, the most difficult patient in this damn building. I needed a release, I needed to relax. So without thinking, I let my feet guide me to my safe haven. I stood in front of the glass doors, pushing them open with no hesitation. I mindlessly let myself take a seat on the familiar couch I had sat on time and time again.

I didn't read a book or anything, I just sat there, absorbing the comforting silence of the library. I let my eyes close, but I didn't fall asleep. I blocked out any thoughts and let my mind wander into emptiness. I felt nothing, not despair, not happiness, _nothing. _As scary as it sounds, it was pleasant. It was nice not to think, not to feel.

"Ha! I found you, your turn to seek." said the voice, interrupting my moment of silence. I opened one eye and wearily gazed at the insistent green-eyed boy before me.

"I thought I told you to stay away from me." I said, closing my eyes once again. I had hoped it was enough to make him leave, but of course, as I mentioned before hand, he's insistent.

"I thought I told you I don't give up that easily." I could practically hear the boy smirk.

"Get out of my face." I said, getting up and glaring at him. I was too mentally exhausted to bicker with the nuisance. I left the library, annoyed that my safe haven was no longer safe. With one last glance at him, I expected to see his face etched with hurt but instead I found it looking more determined than ever. I sighed inwardly, when is this guy going to give it a rest?

Tiredly shuffling towards my room, I let myself fall face first onto my bed, head buried in the pillow.

"Well, hello to you too, Clare." said Alli from behind me, amusement evident in her tone.

"Hi Alli." I said, letting the pillow muffle my words.

"What's gotten you all flustered?" she asked. I could feel her settle on the corner of my bed. I flipped myself over, bringing myself up so I could lean against my head-board.

"Well, you know Eli?" I said, biting my lip. Was I really going to tell her? I could feel the frustration building up inside me if I didn't let it out. There wasn't any harm in letting Alli know a little, right?

I looked at her and she nodded, looking at me expectantly, prodding me to move on.

"Well, he's dead set on being my friend, but I don't wanna be his." I muttered, looking down at my twiddling thumbs.

"Why not?" Alli asked.

"No reason." I said quickly. Alli didn't looked convinced, but didn't push further. She probably was just happy I was sharing something with her.

"Well, that's strange." Alli said, bringing her feet up on the bed, sitting Indian-style. She rested her chin on her tiny fist and looked quite amused. "Eli isn't really one to open up to new people, especially girls." I gave her a questioning look, a sign that I wanted her to elaborate. "Before Eli was admitted to this facility, his girlfriend used to go here... Or rather, his _ex-girlfriend, _Julia. She was admitted the same time I was, she lived down the hall from me. I remember, Eli used to visit her every day, he even brought Adam occasionally... Which is how I knew Adam and Eli beforehand. Anyway, no one knows what happened exactly to her. She supposedly committed suicide sometime during the night. A couple of months later, Eli was sent here. Hardly anyone, not even I, know why Eli's here. I just assumed he was depressed because Julia's death. Man, did he love her. I know Adam and Drew know why, but none of them will spill. Since then, Eli doesn't really have any _new_ female friends... Or new friends at all for that matter. He has Drew, Adam, and I, but that's only because we knew him prior to the Julia scandal. He's a whole lot better than when he first began treatment but... He doesn't interact with any new people, _especially girls. _It's weird he's trying to be friends with you, you're nothing like Julia... I guess there must be something about you."

I could feel a familiar pit form in my stomach, though I wasn't sure what it was from. What was so special about me? Why had he chosen me out of all the girls? Why was he so determined? To be honest, the word 'why' was beginning to sound strange to me. I've been using it so frequently in my head lately. But why seemed to be the only thing I could ask myself. _Why me? _Surely, I was nothing like Julia... At least from what Alli said. I could feel the guilt seeping through me for pushing him away so harshly. He was finally opening up to someone, opening up _to me, _and I pushed him away. But I couldn't give in. I knew it was selfish of me and the guilt was devouring me, but I have to put myself first. I can't let myself be pulled in by another male, or changed by Eli, no matter how inviting his demeanour or how alluring his green eyes truly were.

The guilt inside screamed "give him a chance", but I couldn't do that to myself. I just couldn't.

So when Adam, Drew, and Eli walked in for dinner, I pretended to be asleep in bed. I pretended not to notice a certain someone sit on my bed after everyone had departed to play another round of Mario Kart. I pretended not to notice that certain someone shift so they were sitting next to me, leaning on my head board. I pretended not to notice the tender and gentle way he moved my hair out of my face.

And I certainly pretended not to hear him whisper softly to me, "I won't give up on you, Clare. No matter how much you want me to."

I tried to ignore the spark of electricity I felt at his touch. A touch that was so innocent yet so intimate. I tried to ignore the shivers running down my back as he whispered those very words. And I really tried to ignore the way my name rolled off his tongue like it belonged there. But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.

* * *

**AN: **Hey! Thanks for being patient with my updates! Unfortunately, since school is coming up soon, I will be busier than ever. I'm doubting my ability to update as much as I'd like too. So, I'm announcing this story is going on a half hiatus.

Notice, I said half. What I mean by that is that my updates may or may not have long breaks in between.

To put it in simpler terms, updates are gonna sometimes be slow and sometimes be fast!

I really hope I don't lose any readers, because I promise this story is gonna be good. Well, at least I hope you guys think its good. You can "follow" the story so that you get e-mail updates, if you don't already know that, so that you're not always checking to see if I updated.

Please stay tuned throughout 2013-2014! Don't leave me just yet and please review, not saying its gonna get faster updates, but they always help motivate *winks*.

Xoxo, till next time.


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